The spirit of self-assertion and
self-justification was strong within me, and though I hope I did not
reply with ingratitude or disrespect, I would make no absolute
promise till I had heard what my brother Walwyn said of my position
in its secular aspect, and the Abbe Bonchamps in its religious point
of view. So I bade my mother good-night, and went to see how Cecile
fared in her new quarters, which, to her grief, were in a wing
separated from mine by a long corridor.
My mother had arranged everything, ruling naturally as if she were
the mistress of the house. Thus she installed me in the great room
where I had seen the old Marquis, though I would rather she had
retained it, and given me that which I had occupied when I was there
with my husband. However, I made no objection, for I felt so much
vexed that I was extremely afraid of saying something to show that I
thought she ought to remember that this was my house, and that she
was my guest. I would not for the world have uttered anything so
ungenerous and unfilial; and all I could do that night was to pray
that she might not drive me to lose my self-command, and that I might
both do right and keep my child.
I was too restless and unhappy to sleep much, for I knew my feelings
were wrong, and yet I was sure I was in the right in my wish to do
good to the poor; and the sense of being bridled, and put into
leading-strings, poisoned the pleasure I had at first felt in my
return to my own family.
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